Darwin's Grave

Charles R. Darwin was buried in Westminster Abbey, London, UK in April, 1882. He was buried along side such other folks as Sir Isaac Newton ( the "Gravity Guy" ) and some other very smart people. I will not list them all here, but with a few quick Internet searches you can acquire the names of others buried there. Apparently very prime real estate.

I am in no danger of being buried in Westminster Abbey.

Having said that, I will abuse you of my First Amendment Rights and speak my piece.

"This is My Blog, and I'll Rant if I Want to . . .". (Sing to the the tune of the Great Oldie: "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To").

Mr. Darwin was the author of numerous works, including, but not limited to On the Origin of Species and is considered the Father of the "Theory" (now more-than-proven fact) of Evolution.

If you are a fan of the "Creationist" faction, you may stop reading here. Or you may not.

Your call. It's America after all. I have the right to Free Speech, and you have the right to stop reading Right Now, or for that matter, to not read my blog at all, or to not read anything that does not jive with your Correct View of the Universe ( Do you even believe that there is a Universe? ).

In not reading this, you would not be alone. People are staying away from my blog in droves.

This is not unusual, so I don't take it personally. It is estimated that there are just over 100,000 bloggers on the 'net, and it is also estimated that - in 98% of the cases - the only readers of the blog are the authors and their mothers.

But then in a world of 6.5 Billion people, one must admit that the "Blogger" is quite rare.

On ebay "rare" goes for a lot of money. It doesn't seem to matter whether it is a previously undiscovered Picasso painting, or 19th century lint. If it is rare, it sells for big bucks.

Haven't made a penny on this blog.

But you must admit - if you are reading this - that you have not spent a penny on this, either.

At any rate, we should return - without financial obligation - to the subject at hand: Darwin's Grave.

It would seem that in the not-too-distant past, some Church Officials associated with the Abbey began to notice and report vibrations felt, and occasional unusual sounds heard in the vicinity of the Grave of Darwin, or at least from the vicinity of his close neighbors. These things were very subtle - often two persons present in the area disagreed as to whether or not the phenomenon actually happened.

"Did you feel that?"

"What? Did I feel what?"

Or, "Did you hear that?"

"What did you say? I could not hear you, My Good Man."

These scenarios continued to occur, and with increasing frequency. A High Church Official with something of an educational background in Science, and definitely an enthusiast in regard to the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ( of "Sherlock Holmes" fame ) made some observations:

Those that reported hearing unexplainable sounds in the immediate area surrounding the Grave of Darwin tended to be younger and own expensive high-end home audio equipment, and pride themselves in their ability to hear subtle differences in home electronics, and more so the difference in speakers, the best of which were invariably British (B&W and KEF brands being preferred).

Those that reported hearing nothing had generally served in the military - in the Artillery or the Royal Navy on a gun ship in the Second World War. Many of these were also quite frugal by nature, stretching the useful life of their hearing-aid batteries to the limits.

Likewise, those that reported feeling vibrations generally wore very tight, hard-leather-soled dress shoes, while those feeling no vibrations were generally wearing comfortable, practical, thick rubber-soled shoes.

To further test these initial observations, the High Church Official authorized a scientific test of the premises. A Master Builder of Houses of Cards was located in the Financial District of New York, NY. His fee for such an act he voluntarily waived, as he was still slowly descending through the atmosphere under a parachute - in a particularly appealing shade of Gold - and he consented to construct - without adhesives or trickery - structures uniform in design of common playing cards within a 45-foot radius of Darwin's Grave, at uniform intervals. This had to be accomplished late on a Saturday night, when it was less likely that the front door would be opened and a tourist, or an Episcopalian - looking for Darwin's Grave or a Church Service - might upset the quiet air or cause unusual vibration by actually coming in to a Church. These things could well contaminate the Scientific Proceedings.

Over night, all of the cards fell down.

Well, as I understand it, the Deacons of the Abbey decided to put this whole debate to The Ultimate Test, and hired Seismologists to monitor the situation.

After this, things get really technical. Not being a "Technical Guy", I will not bore you with the details - nore could I, as I could not adequately explain them, because they are Technical Details.

The upshot is that these Seismologists - who measure vibrations in the ground and try to predict earthquakes and are sometimes lucky enough to be right - used Ultra-Sophisticated Instruments in the vicinity of the Grave in Question.

What these Seismologists found was that there were definitely vibrations - and even sounds - emanating from the area of marble directly above the Burial site of Sir Charles Robert Darwin!

What's more, there was a very specific feature to these phenomena.

"There is a certain [ albeit vanishingly perceptable ] component to these seismologic findings." British seismologist and pub-frequenter Sir Nigel Lemmingsbreath said, "There appears to be a Rotational element here."

"So . . . Sir Charles Darwin is Rolling Over in His Grave?" a friend of mine ( I do have friends! ) asked.

"Yes, yes my good man! Why do you represent yourself as so astonished?" remarked Sir Nigel.

"I always believed, Mr. Lemmingsbreath, like everybody does that dead people do not move under their own power. There must be, if this Seismologic Thing is true, some other force at work, like magnets or gravity or something.", my friend said.

"Please call me 'Sir Nigel.' " Mr. Lemmingsbreath said, I think believing that he was generously allowing my friend to be (relatively) familiar with him.

So, Sir Charles R. Darwin is rolling over in his grave.

Why is that?

" It is, my Good Man, the Bloomin' Idiots.", asserted Sir Nigel.

In the interest of Time and Space, I will distill the conversation that ensued:

Lemmingsbreath's theory is that Public and Social Policy, as well as The Practice of Medicine has allowed the flourishment and perpetual reproduction of those categories of homo sapiens that would never have reached reproductive age or those that could never get by at all without not a little amount of help from their "Friends".

Government Institutions and the Medical Establishment act every day to counteract the forces of natural selection, according to Lemmingsbreath. His assertion is that while all of the Other Living World evolves, homo sapiens do not. He feels that, if anything, the human species continues to Devolve.

Hence the Rotational Vibrations detected in Westminster Abbey.

So, there you have it. So simple, an Intellectual could understand it ( unlike car - or health insurance in America ).

I have a friend who is Actively Engaged in the Practice of Medicine. He related a story to me about a woman he saw in his office:

This woman was pleasant enough. She pushed a broom at a public school ( custodial work ) and, occasionally, drove a school bus to make ends meet. All at minimum wage.

She had visited the Community Health Center and had gotten a "Flu Shot" ( vaccination against Influenza ) two or three days before, and had redness, swelling and pain around the site of the injection.

This is a normal, harmless, albeit not universal reaction to such an immunization, and patients are forewarned of this fact before administration.

Well, this woman decided that she needed a "Blood Cleaner", and so went to a local Natural Foods and Supplements Retailor. There she purchased ( at the price of $27.99 ) a "Blood Cleanser" with a name my friend could not remember.

He does, however, recall the Main Ingredient listed on the label ( the Other Ingredients, being recognizeable to him were trivial, unhelpful but harmless, and unimportant ):

Turkey Tree Bark Root.

Having never heard of such a substance, or for that matter such a tree, my friend did a little research. Actually, quite a lot of research because the name of this tree does not show up with any frequency in the literature, or even on "Google".

As it turns out, the "Turkey Tree" actually exists. This tree produces Brown Turkey Dates, and so it is a "Date Tree".

That would be a tree that produces Dates - a fruit, not an Escort - and is generally not called the "Turkey Tree", but the "Turkey Date Tree".

If you want to get into this a little more, my friend recommends that you do a search on the "Turkey Date" rather than looking for "the Tree" ( Although searching Google for anything including the word "Date" can be dangerous and obviously at your own risk ).

As far as my friend can tell, this tree originated in the Mediterranean area and spread to Northern Africa, or, perhaps, the other way around. It is now grown in Southern States in the USA, and can be ordered on the Internet.

Be sure, if ordering such a tree on the Internet that you live in a Semi-Arid Climate ( 12-or-less inches of rain per year ), and that Winter Doesn't Happen.

Then, and only then can you be happy and at peace with your "Turkey Tree".

And get Dates.

It's all about the Fruit, right?

The Tree does have a Scientific Name - Ficus carica - and so it must be Real.

But "Bark Root"? Is it the "Bark" or the "Root"? What is this stuff? Is it even safe to take?

I found this so interesting. After two or three days, her reaction to the immunization was improving - something that was going to happen anyway, and something that meant she had a good immune system.

But, to her, the improvement was because she was astute enough to acquire the cure for "dirty blood" - something for which she had to work for nearly seven hours to purchase.

My friend felt bad for this lady. He attempted to counsel her on the falacies of "Health Food and Herbal Supplement" stores, and did not bill her for the visit, but she remained unstrayed and unconvinced.

My friend could not figure out why this woman came to see him. Nore can I.

Perhaps there is a reason for such people to exist, and perhaps the perpetuation of such people is in the best interests of the "Intellectuals" in the world.

If there were no "stupid" people in The World, then there could not be any "smart" people - they need the comparison to stand out, and to become wealthy ( if they so choose ).

Reflecting on all of this over some beverage, my friend and I decided that maybe we were the fools, and so came up with this Plan to Become Rich.

We would, borrowing money ( if necessary ), purchase a railroad grain-car full of Metamucil ( ground-up psyllium seed - Pure Fiber ), and about a half of that much Magnesium Oxide.

We thought that would be about the right ratio. I mean of fiber and magnesium oxide ( related to the Active Ingredient in "Milk of Magnesia" ).

Buying the Raw Materiels in this quantity would be cheep.

If we were to combine these two ingredients in that ratio, and package it in 8-to-12 ounce containers ( yet another expense ), we could promote it on the Internet, or sell it more copiously through Very Late Night Infomercials on television as a Cleanser - for the "very reasonable price" of $27.99 (for a month's supply ), plus an unreasonable shipping-and-handling charge that only sleep-deprived-lesser-intelects would not notice until the Credit Card Bill would come through ( a Month Later ), and, maybe these would not be noticed - not even then.

About what which we would be Cleansing we would not need to be specific.

People feel a need to be Cleansed. We would be performing, then, a Public Service.

And we could legitimately Unconditionally Guarantee that Evereyone who took our product would feel "Cleansed".

To go one step further down the "Greed is Good!" thought process - we could produce the "Totally Organic" version of this "Cleanser", and sell it for $37.99 - easily.

We would simply add "a measure" of Grass Clippings ( and in this, for obvious reasons to Suburbanites, we could be Quite Generous in "the measure", thus saving on the amount of "Active Ingredients" and selling more because "Cleansing" would require more product [Although I don't know this to be a fact, having never voluntarily ingested grass clippings - maybe they have good fiber, too.] ).

So then, maybe a lot of grass clippings. My friend and I have a lot of grass clippings at times, and Recycling is Good! Right?

No! No!

My friend and I decided ( after many days and more of some beverage ) that, in all good conscience, we could not willfully carry out an act that would actually and measureably increase the seismic activity at Westminster Abbey.

It is, after all, a Very Old and Historic Building.

And then there's this thing about the Hippocratic Oath . . .

Peace