Jury Duty

Most people live in dread of being summoned for Jury Duty. It can be a great inconvenience. Murphy's law and all of its corollaries, of course apply. You will be called at the busiest time of the year, at a time when your boss will least appreciate your absence, or you will cancel important plans, only to find that the case was settled and your service is not needed. This last scenario of course puts you at the Top of the List to be called for Jury Duty in the next cycle (they seem to like people who showed up).

In my line of work, I am frequently asked to manufacture a medical reason why an individual cannot serve on a jury.

In some instances, this is a no-brainer: The individual is sedated, on a mechanical ventilator in the ICU in the hospital. Or the individual is Bipolar and not reliably taking their medication, or they died four-and-one-half years ago (I was once asked by the court to render an opinion that a potential juror was actually dead. Many jurisdictions use voter registration records to compile a potential-juror pool, and apparently this man, dead for several years had continued to perform the citizenly duty of voting.).

Some individuals, seeking to avoid Jury Duty, have somewhat lesser "medical" reasons not to serve, and no qualms asking me to risk my reputation and licensure in the fabrication of "The Note" that excuses them from Jury Duty (or work, or school, etc.).

"I itch allot." (But do you scratch allot?)

"It hurts when I sit." (This person just sat comfortably for 45 minutes imploring me to write
" The Note".)

"I have acne." (So?)

"I take medication." ( One aspirin a day.)

"I have etc. . ." (I have to admit, etcetera - in some forms - can be a very bad disease.)

My father, rest his soul, felt very strongly about his duty to serve Jury Duty. For 35 or more years, he answered every call (about three times a year where he lived - more than 100 times).

He was never chosen for a jury in more than 100 sorties. You see, he was trained as an engineer - had a Masters in Electrical Engineering - went to Lehigh University with Lee Iaccoca even. But he always wanted to be a Lawyer (Yes, Virginia, the practice of Law was once a good thing, and there was such a thing as a Good Lawyer. My father was of that era, but his father insisted on Engineering.). And in spite of the fact that he worked for IBM for 35+ years, he could still THINK.

That's funny! The "House Organ" or "News Letter" (more of a magazine for IBM employees) was called "THINK". My father had a sign over his desk, as did all IBM employees, that simply said "THINK". My father also had, over his desk at home, a sign that said "THIMK" - apparently worked up by somebody in the print shop at IBM's headquarters then located in Endicott, NY. This sign, aside from the "typo", appeared as the real deal. Pretty cool.

Ah, but I digress.

My father was not chosen for Jury Duty because Lawyers (defense or prosecution, plaintiff or defense) will not choose a potential juror that the Lawyer suspects is capable of Independent Thought.


When asked a question during jury selection, my father was analytical. Especially when asked hypothetical questions, my father would answer, "It depends. If you mean this, then I would say this, but if you mean that, then I would say that . . ."

"You are excused." That is the answer my father heard more than 100 times, yet he still kept trying. He wanted to serve on a Jury.

Finally, one day, he was actually chosen to be on a jury. He was retired, so it was no inconvenience. About a two-week trial. In Federal Court.


The only problem was that it was a Mafia trial.

"Dad! Thirty-five years you can't be chosen for a jury, but when you finally are, I have to change my name, those of my children, and of (at the time) my wife? And relocate to East Treestump, Pennsyltucky? What were you thinking?"

So lets get down to brass tacks. It is your obligation as a United States Citizen to serve your duty, if called upon, in our judicial system as a Juror. Even if it is an "Inconvenience". Someday, your future might depend on those chosen to sit as Jurors in a civil, or possibly criminal proceeding against you. It is at least feasible that, in certain situations, you may not actually be guilty. In this country, at least in a criminal trial, you ostensibly have the right to a trial before your peers. It has been said that in fact, you have the right to be tried before a jury of twelve people not smart enough to get out of Jury Duty.

But if you wish to discount these possibilities, and simply do not want to serve Jury Duty, here are some approaches that have been taken or recommended. These approaches or views are not necessarily those of the author, nor can I condone them. In fact, if not well executed, some of these approaches may result in a "Contempt of Court" fiasco. If you pretend to be crazy, or bigoted, or simple (strike that, the Lawyers are looking for "simple"), and you are found out (e.g. you are actually the coherent CEO of a multi-national corporation among the Forbes 500), you may be in BIG TROUBLE.

So, here we go:

You are called for Jury Duty.

As usual, wear a custom-fitted helmet, constructed of multiple layers, to be ROBUST, of aluminum foil. This helmet should not cover your eyes, but protect the back of your neck, and at least cover part of your ears. An aluminum foil "spike" at the forward part of the skull, or at the vertex of the skull (the posterior, superior aspect of the head) is optional. Also optional is whether or not you choose to use this spike for communication, e.g. as an antenna, or whether or not you choose the pipe cleaner option, or the already-burned Sparkler core (a soft metallic wire left after the burning of a sparkler on July 4th) projecting out from your helmet.

It has been some people's experience that the simple use of a pipe cleaner raises suspicion as to the authenticity of one's inappropriateness as a Juror. Always be willing to consider other materials in the construction of you special head piece, or that of the antenna, giving consideration to your locale and the regional biases or norms (for example: the aluminum foil helmet may be very acceptable in much of California, and may actually Increase your chances of having to serve Jury Duty).

Consider, whether-or-not wearing an aluminum foil helmet, this: Having a copy (or a stack) of "American Cheerleader" magazine in your lap. This will not work for sub-forty Babes, as they might be thought to be legitimate coaches of cheerleading squads. But for "Older Ladies", or for any male between the ages of 6 and 150, this could be disturbing to any Lawyer, defense or prosecution/plaintiff Lawyer attempting to choose a panel of jurors. This could get you out of Jury Duty.

Another option to be excused from Jury Duty is the "Fugue".

This is simply being "one off" from the interrogator's questions .

In response to the Lawyer's first question, for example " How long have you been a resident of Schlobotnick County?", one must start with an answer to a question the Lawyer has not asked, one that you have thought up in advance, for example: " How long does it take a male Bengal tiger to copulate?" The correct answer to the question - yours, not his - is "Six seconds". The Lawyer may excuse you at this point, but may persist in the questioning. For every time the Lawyer repeats the first question, repeat "Six seconds".

Should the Lawyer persist, and move on to other questions, it is a simple matter to be totally honest, answering truthfully, but one question behind. This will drive the Lawyer nuts, and usually, it's a very short drive.


For example, the Lawyer asks about the duration of your residence in the County. You answer the prepared question about intimacy amongst great felines in Asia (of course, unbeknownst to the Lawyer) - "Six seconds."

Repeat as necessary.

Should the Lawyer move on, as they are want to do when stymied or frustrated, and ask you if you are a registered voter, answer "12-and-1/2 years." (That's how long you have been a resident of Schlobotnick County). The Lawyer will think that you have been a registered voter for some time. The Judge will probably buy this, too. Now you have them where you want them.

If the Lawyer then asks you " Have you ever been charged or convicted of a misdemeanor or felony?" : Answer "I am a registered Republican" ( or "Democrat", or "Libertarian", or "Independent", or "Green Party" - it doesn't matter. You are still being honest, and technically not in Contempt of Court).


If, at this point, you have not been excused of Jury Duty, simply repeat the answer to the question about the intimacy of the Bengal tiger.

Peace.